Prince WHO?
by J.C. Irving
Summary: What happens when the Fairy tale/Disney princesses discover that they are ALL married to Prince Charming? Hate, Love, tears, and more-than-archetypal revenge are all in store!
1. Belle

_Hello __everone__ Second __fanfic__ ever and first shot at parody/humor, so I'd love any reviews. I'd always wondered about Prince __Charming's__ polygamy, so…here we go!__ And for those of you who love Belle, please don't flame me because of this. __For anything else, ok, but not this.__ Everyone's going to get the same treatment…_

**Chapter One: ****Belle**

The buttered scent of lilacs was the first thing she noticed. Hundreds of them, lining the road with their delicate blossoms, nature's little kisses to the great morning sky. With a sigh, Belle knelt down amongst the conveniently-placed flowers, looking down at them with her great eyes and whispering positive princess thoughts to them. They were sooooo pretty.

She soon stood and, forgetting the flowers, proceeded to dance merrily to the town center, singing her grocery list as she went along. The birds joined in her little song, accenting all the right words and filling the otherwise dull provincial town with great cheerful joy. With a skip and a hop she thanked her little friends and proceeded into the market.

To keep up appearances she had decided to do her own shopping. Prince was still a little apprehensive about public appearances, despite the fact that he was _the _most gorgeous hunk she had ever seen, and so Belle went alone. She didn't mind. The time apart made the time they spent together all the more wonderful.

With these and other mildly sickening princess-thoughts entertaining her Belle commenced her shopping trip. She bought a few apples, a baguette, and some cheese from the various nameless townspeople, getting it all for free because she was a princess, and no one ever though of making a princess pay for something. After singing through her ridiculously short grocery list one more time in perfect pitch Belle decided she would visit the bookshop. She proceeded to take a long route to the store so that she could flaunt her perfect beauty and singing skills in front of the other women, and make them love and respect her. Of course, everyone did love and respect her, instead of becoming madly jealous like any decent person would.

The owner of the bookshop welcomed Belle with a great smile. "Good morning, Belle! I can guess what you're here for," which is a perfectly ridiculous statement considering that the bookshop sold only one thing.

"I'd like a new book, please," Belle replied, because, of course, the reason people go to bookstores is to buy baby carrots.

"I knew it! I have the perfect one for you," said the bookshop owner, giving her the beautiful new book, which happened to be Belle's favorite.

"My favorite!" Belle cried redundantly. She gave the shop owner a little kiss on the cheek and left the store, still managing to look ravishingly beautiful even though her face was covered by a book.

"I hope you enjoy it," the shopkeeper cried after her, still smiling.

Belle wandered around town, reading her book and getting admiring stares from everyone. She smiled and waved at just the right people, brightening their day, curing their depression, bad attitudes, cholera, etc.

Suddenly, she ran into something. Looking up, she gave a dramatic yet feminine gasp, surprised at the fellow who stood before her. Then she suddenly gave a refined squeal of joy as she hugged her wonderful Prince Charming around the neck, leaping into his arms and laughing and kissing him all over, and all the townspeople smiled happily to see them together.

But there was one face in the crowd that was not smiling.


	2. Cindy

_Second __chappy__! Remember, reviews are love!_

**Chapter 2: Cindy**

Cinderella had been having the most relaxing day of her life, which is saying something since princesses don't do much. Prince was away on business and she had the entire castle to herself. She had complete and utter freedom to do what she wished (which she had anyway), and was feeling liberated.

Within the first half-hour she had done everything on her list and was wandering about, searching for something new to do. She'd already had her delightful chorus of happy working songs with the woodland animals and had already polished her crown and throne, and had sewn new curtains out of leaves and springtime flowers. There wasn't much left to do, since Prince insisted on employing servants who took care of everything else.

She decided to take a walk around the grounds. She carefully selected her wandering-the-grounds outfit, which she'd had made especially for such an occasion, and left the confines of the castle. Outside the weather was perfect, as always, and all of nature smiled kindly on the beautiful princess. She sang a song as she walked, one that told an eloquent narrative about her life and inner feelings, although obviously the only one paying any attention was Cindy herself.

A friendly woodland jaguar approached her, bearing his sharp teeth. Princess Cindy wasn't afraid, however, because she was too naïve to know that jaguars are dangerous animals. Instead she petted it gently and sang it a little song about it having something stuck in its teeth, which it did, and lo and behold it dropped a letter in her lap and disappeared.

Glad that the matter of a lack of tooth floss had been resolved so quickly, Cindy proceeded to exclaim to no one in particular, "Look, I got a letter!"

A friendly woodland squirrel came up to her and exclaimed in an irritatingly high-pitched and incomprehensible voice, "Who's it from?"

"I don't know," Cindy said gently, although it was obvious that the letter was from the jaguar with whom she had just narrowly avoided a gruesome death. "Maybe I should open it!"

The squirrel looked a little worried, so Cindy turned to her singing mice-friends and asked them what she should do with the letter. They were evenly divided on the subject, and Cindy exclaimed in frustration, "Well, what do I do?"

"It seems to me," said a friendly woodland gorilla (who also had very sharp teeth), "that we won't know who it's from until we open it."

"Well, we won't have to _all_ open it. I'll do it and that will be easier," Cindy said.

All the animals agreed that this was a good plan and Cindy opened the letter. "What does it say," asked the mice in their equally irritatingly high-pitched and incomprehensible voices.

"It's from my servant, Angie," said Cindy, although Angie is not a servant-girl type name. "She says that Prince is hanging around the market in the dull provincial town next to ours. Angie thinks I should come see what he's doing there." Cindy gave a little laugh, as if the notion of her husband doing anything but shopping were ridiculous. "I don't have to go see, I know he's shopping," she exclaimed. "I know," she cried to her woodland friends, "maybe we should go pay him a surprise visit!"

All of the woodland friends nodded in agreement, so Cindy went back inside and found her going-to-the-dull-provincial-town-next-door-to-visit-my-husband-who-is-obviouly-at-the-market-because-he-needs-to-shop outfit. She then took a fine white princess-horse and rode to the dull provincial town next to theirs.

She quickly found a young servant girl whose importance in this story seems nonexistent but is secretly a key character in the tale to take care of her horse, of course, for free. Cindy then proceeded to do a little of her own shopping as she looked for Prince. She caught a few glances of the princess of this town with her nose buried in a book. She was very pretty, but far too bookish for a princess, Cindy thought.

Suddenly there was a sound beside her and Cindy turned to see a strange sight. That bookish princess was in the arms of a very handsome man and was kissing and hugging him all over. At first Cindy was happy for them, but then she realized that the man _looked exactly like Prince Charming._

_I didn't know he had a twin_, she thought. And then she thought,_ He _doesn't_ have a twin. _This thought was quite a shock to her system. If the man that this princess was smooching was Prince Charming, then that meant she was married to Prince Charming. But Cindy was married to Prince Charming!

For a few moments all Cindy could do was stare, stupefied. She couldn't figure out why her husband was smooching with this girl. Poor Cindy was in shock. She didn't even know the meaning of the word "Affair", how could she consider that that was what was happening?

Cindy thought this through. Her husband was kissing someone in the town square that was not Cindy. Therefore, this woman had to be a witch, and this witch was trying to put an evil spell on Prince Charming. Yes, that was it! Cindy's blood began to boil. How dare this witch go after her Prince!

Suddenly, said prince looked over and saw Cindy, and for a moment, she could've sworn there was fear in his eyes. Then he dropped the other princess, and, with one last, looooong kiss, grabbed his horse and fled.

Cindy had eyes only for the girl sitting in the dirt. She glared, took a deep breath to muster her courage, and went to confront the witch.


	3. Zel

_Haha__! Thank you to my reviewers, you're wonderful. Keep writing__ I'll send you a cookie!_

**Chapter 3: Zel**

Rapunzel sighed mightily as she looked out the window. For good measure she sighed again, although no one was there to hear it. This irritated her, and she proceeded to sigh louder and louder so that _someone_ would hear her and ask her what was wrong. She soon got very dizzy and had to stop.

She hated being trapped in this stuffy tower. The old witch wasn't bad, as far as evil characters go. She had a cousin who'd been stuck with a really cruel witch, and ended up sleeping under a glass coffin. As far as she knew, Snow was still there. Zel counted herself lucky.

But still, it was a boring life. She had consigned herself to hair-brushing…she started at dawn and got about halfway through by the time sunset came around. She hated long hair. She wanted desperately to cut it off, but witchy wouldn't let her.

While she was staring out the window, thinking these pathetic self-pitying thoughts, Rapunzel noticed something in the distance. A figure was approaching the tower. It wasn't witchy, it was too tall. Rapunzel watched as it got closer and closer, and suddenly, there was a very handsome and out-of-breath man on horseback at the base of her tower.

She called out to him, "Hello!"

He looked bewildered. "Where's the door?"

"There isn't one, silly!" she said. "I'm in an enchanted tower!"

"You must be a princess, then," he said. Without waiting for a response, he said, Ï must save you! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

Zel stared at him. "How did you know my name? And how did you know my hair was long?"

The prince stared back, bewildered, then said again, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

"I heard you the first time!" Zel shouted, irritated. "How do you know my name?"

The prince dismounted from his horse and shouted, "That's not in the script! You're supposed to say, 'yes, dear prince' and let down your hair!"

"But I don't even know who you are!"Rapunzel shouted. "And don't call me Rapunzel. You sound like my witch."

"A witch? Then I must surely save you!" And the prince, taking to heart that the script was no longer in use, proceeded to fly up to the tower window.

When he got there, Zel crossed her arms and said, "You can't fly up to my window! It defies the laws of physics!"

The prince looked at her a moment. "It does?"

"Yep!" She replied happily, and the Prince fell to the ground below. His stallion, however, was conveniently placed underneath to break his fall, and Prince decided to try again and flew upwards. "I'm here again, so there, and now you have to come get married and live with me happily ever after."

"Why?" asked Rapunzel.

"Because I said so!" said the prince, thoroughly exasperated by now.

Rapunzel considered this for a brief moment. "Ok!" she said, and the two of them, taking to heart that the script was no longer in use, flew away to a magical castle with plenty of servants and were married.

The next day, prince had to go on a business trip.


	4. Witch Hunt

_Thank you __soooo__ much to everybody who has reviewed, you guys rock! Enclosed in this message is a virtual cookie! I was thinking over some of the comments made that the idea was really simple, (which it is), and I wondered why others hadn't thought of it before. Princes, polygamy, friendly neighborhood jaguars…yep, it's a good old-fashioned fairy tale! _

**Chapter 4: ****Witch Hunt**

Belle fell to the ground with a thump as Prince dropped her, fleeing the scene. Thankfully, she was too preoccupied with the approaching figure to notice the strange look in his eye as he left. A young woman in a very fancy town-outfit was storming over to Belle with murder in her eyes.

In a gesture of friendship, Belle said, "I love your shopping outfit."

The woman flounced proudly then suddenly scowled. "This isn't a shopping outfit," she said, "It's my going-to-the-dull-provincial-town-next-door-to-visit-my-husband-who-is-obviouly-at-the-market-because-he-needs-to-shop outfit! That's completely different," she huffed. "My _town_ outfit has _two_ pink bows on it instead of one." She looked offended.

Belle pulled herself up off the ground very gracefully and said, in true princess fashion, "Oh, I'm sorry."

Cinderella, for of course that's who the rude young woman was, smiled far too widely and said, "Oh, that's alright."

The two stared at each other for a moment, not knowing what else to say. No two princesses can stare at each other with ear-to-ear grins for long, however, and soon Cinderella's smile slipped a notch. Suddenly remembering why she had come, she said, "You're a witch."

Belle, strangely unoffended by the accusation, said "No I'm not."

"Oh," said Cinderella, deflated. The two stared at each other for a while more. "At least, I don't think I'm a witch," Belle said. "Why would I be a witch?"

"Because…you were kissing Prince, my husband."

"Wait..." said Belle. "Which Prince? There are a lot of princes out there."

"Prince Charming, DUH," said Cinderella, sticking her tongue out in a fashion that made her look not unlike a PEZ dispenser.

"You look like a PEZ dispenser," said Belle, despite the fact that PEZ dispensers didn't exist in their world because capitalism had not yet been introduced.

"What's a PEX dispenser?" Cinderella asked.

"A _PEX_ dispenser is like…well…you know how Princes have these really hot chest muscles?"

"Yeah," said Cinderella, suddenly panting a little bit.

"Well…yeah. A_ PEZ _dispenser is like a French one of those."

"Oooooh," Cinderella said. "So…" she furrowed her brow, trying to remember what they had been discussing. "Oh, yeah! You're a witch."

Ignoring the fact that this had already been discussed, Belle complained, "I can't be a witch, I'm not old!"

"But you were kissing Prince Charming, my husband! You have to be a witch!"

"Prince Charming's _my_ husband," Belle shouted, so _you_ must be the witch!"

"Well, _I_ can't be a witch," Cinderella said defensively. "I'm not ugly!"

The tow of them stared at each other, pondering this.

"Oh," said Belle. "If _you're_ not a witch, and _I'm_ not a witch, then that means…"

"Prince Charming's a witch!" Cinderella cried triumphantly.

"Yeah!" Belle cried enthusiastically. "But, wait…" Belle's face screwed up in concentration. "Prince Charming's a boy. He can't be a witch."

"If none of us are witches, why do we both think we're married to Prince Charming?" asked Cindy, which was probably the longest and most intellectual question of her life.

"I think we are both married to Prince Charming," said Belle.

At that moment, something began to stir in the minds of the princesses. That small part of their brains that had been so intelligent and curious before they had become Princesses started to spark back to life. The princesses stared at each other, and as they did, they began to have _thoughts._

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Belle.

Cindy, who still was a little slow on the uptake, said, "Yeah…something's fishy here."

The fish vendor who had been waving his wares under their noses grinned, showing perfect teeth because princesses are too sensitive to be exposed to ugliness. "Want some fish?"

Belle wrinkled her nose in a way that was still refined yet adorable. "Ick, fish!" she said, although fish is brain food and it would have done both of them some good to eat it. Belle turned back to Cinderella. "I'm thinking…"

"We should have a tea party!" shouted Cindy, completely destroying the intellectual moment.

"Ok!" said Belle excitedly.

The two of them were all set to go to Cindy's castle when the young servant girl whose importance in this story seems nonexistent but is secretly a key character in the tale appeared before them, holding Cindy's horse. "There's something both of you need to see," she said ominously.


	5. Too long of a title to put here

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAck__! I hate school with an undying passion! An ENOURMOUS apology to my readers for taking so long, I've been full with acting and homework and projects and whatever else my teachers love to give. I solemnly swear from here on out that you shall never have to wait this long for a new chapter ever, ever again. __(Though it may still be a little more than usual since I'm writing another __fanfiction__ at the same time.__ See __Shalerunner__ in the __Redwall__ section if you're interested.) Anyway…here we go everybody! Reviews are love! (And great cures for writer's block!) _

**Chapter five: The chapter in which many strange plot twists are revealed and the ridiculous princesses begin their diabolical plot**

The young servant girl whose importance in this story seems nonexistent but is secretly a key character in the tale had been watching the princesses for some time, wondering if they were going to catch on to the scandal. When the entire escapade turned into an invitation to a tea party, she decided to go set things right.

"Who are you?" asked Cindy snottily, although princesses are supposed to be nice and sweet.

"I'm the young servant girl whose importance in this story seems nonexistent but is secretly a key character in the tale, but you can call me Meg."

"Meg?" asked Belle. "That sounds familiar! Are you a princess in disguise?"

Meg sighed. "That's not important. There's something you both need to see."

Belle and Cindy stared at her but nonetheless followed the girl across the square, where they could see two figures flying overhead. "Look!" shouted Belle, "Those people are flying!"

"I wanna fly!" cried Cindy grumpily. "Where's a fairy godmother when you need one?"

"Look," said Meg, "You can't fly, ok? It defies the laws of physics."

"Prince Charming can," said a mysterious young woman siding up to the group. "There he is! With some girl with ridiculously long hair!"

The princesses looked at this new guest, alarmed. "How do you know Prince Charming?" Belle and Cindy asked in unison.

"I'm married to him, DUH." said the new princess, not looking quite unlike a PEZ dispenser.

"You look like a—mmmph!" Belle's words were stifled by Meg's hand across her mouth, trying to prevent another discussion about hot pectorals.

"Déjà vu! Enough with the PEZ dispensers!"

"Déjà vu? Is that the new princess's name?" Cindy asked.

"My name is Snow White," she said prettily, and at the sound of her name several friendly woodland creatures began cleaning up the square. The princess pointed upward. "Look, Charming's still flying. Who's that girl he's with?"

"They're coming this way," said Meg. "Quick, help me grab on to her hair," for, due to the ridiculous length of Rapunzel's hair, there was a sort of ladder dragging on the ground from the flying couple.

"That's not polite," Snow White exclaimed.

"Never mind," said Meg, and grabbed the hair ladder as it came by. Rapunzel was quite rudely jerked to the ground, landing face-first in the dust. Prince Charming kept on flying, completely oblivious to the fact that his wife had been hijacked.

"OOOOOOWWW!" yelled Zel, standing angrily. When she saw her cousin she smiled politely. "Hello, Snow," she said. Then she frowned at the remainder of the group and said again, louder this time, "OOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You already said that," Belle commented politely.

"That's not the point," Zel pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. "You hurt me."

Meg rolled her eyes as Zel turned to Cindy and Belle. "Who are you two?"

"I'm Prince Charming's wife, Cindy," said Cindy before being elbowed in the side by Belle.

"_I'm_ his wife, Belle," said Belle, before being elbowed in the stomach by Snow.

"I'M his wife," said Snow, and the three were dangerously close to hurting each other when Meg said, "You're all his wives, get over it."

Zel looked at them oddly. "I'm Prince Charming's wife," she said. "We just got married and defied the laws of physics together."

"I can see that," said Meg, watching the disappearing figure of the polygamist prince.

"And who are you, anyway," asked Zel. "You don't look like a normal princess."

"That's because I'm not a princess."

"Not a Princess?" the four gasped in perfect unison and complete and utter shock.

Belle attempted to give a knowing wink, but instead ended up blinking both eyes 'sneakily'. "That's because you're a princess in disguise, right?"

Meg stared at her. "No."

"That's ok," Belle said, blink-winking again, "I won't tell."

Zel stared at them all. "Um…" after pausing for a moment, she said, "You wanna have a tea party?"

Meg slapped her face in her hand in frustration. "Don't you get it? You're ALL MARRIED TO PRINCE CHARMING!! He's a polygamist!"

"No he's not, silly," said Cindy, "He's _allergic_ to bumblebees!"

"And ghosts!" said Zel.

"Not a poltergeist, a polygamist!"

"I like to play games, too, but that doesn't make me a pol—eye—game—ist," Belle said sweetly.

"All this talk about games reminds me of something. Let's have a tea party!"

The other three princesses jumped about at Cindy's suggestion. Meg sighed and started to walk away.

"Aren't you coming?"

"She can't come," said Snow White, "She's not a princess!"

Belle blink-winked at Meg and said, "Don't worry, she'll…

_BE…_

_OUR…_

_Guest, be our guest, put our service to the test,_

_Write the biggest check you'll ever see and eat some chicken breast_

_Soup __au __jous__deep-fried moose__, why we __love our __pamplemousse_

_And the dinner here is never second-guessed _

_Just don't look at the menu or you'll leave our venue,_

_Wooden shoes_

_Poolie__ cues_

_BE_

_OUR_

_GUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!_

After singing the last note rather off-key, Belle said, "Er…something like that!"

"What's a Poolie Cue?" Zel asked.

"I know! It's one of those thingies you use to train your poodle!" Cindy suggested.

"What's a poodle?" Snow asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Meg said. "Fine. None of you seem to care that Prince Charming is playing you all so I'll just handle this myself. He's probably getting married right now, and all you girls can think of is tea parties."

"Did you just say that Prince Charming is playing us all?"

"And that he's getting married right now?"

"Yeah," said Meg exasperatedly, "I've been saying that for the last three pages!"

"Pages?"

"Never mind that, Snow, I've just realized something!"

"What is it, Zel?"

"We're all married to Prince Charming!" Cindy announced as Meg slapped her head in her hand again.

"So?" Snow said.

"That means that…he's…he's lying to us! We're _all_ his wives! We have to do something!"

"My gosh, that's _awful!_" The rest of them exclaimed. Their faces suddenly turned from sweet and princessy to grim and determined.

"We have to get back at him," Belle said.

"Finally!" Meg cried. "I know where he's going next. We can stop him and get him before his next catch."

"He's going fishing?"

"For mermaids!" Cindy cried, but Zel gave her a look. "There's no such thing as mermaids."

Suddenly, a large porcelain bathtub on wheels appeared before the princesses, propelled by rocket boosters. The bathtub was not of interest to the princesses, however. It was what was contained inside…

"Hi," a 15-something year old girl with red hair and an uncomfortable-looking seashell bra said. "I'm Ariel. What's all the commotion about?"

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_Hopefully I made up for the wait with length and humor. Please review; let me know what needs fixing!_


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